Let's Not Put Affectionate Men Back in the Closet

The debate about Joe Biden and his showing affection to other people by touching them, hugging them, and kissing them in a non-sexual way has brought out a great deal of debate.  In this day and age after all of the revelations about inappropriate behavior by many men in power, there is some push back now and I agree.

For years now women have been saying they want men who are more affectionate and show that affection.  My parents grew up in a time where men did not show affection to their children. Some might have in private, but in general it was frowned upon for men to hold and comfort their children in public.  Too much emphasis was placed on pleasing the head of the family, and that usually meant not burdening him with any emotional needs from the children.  That fell to the mother, as did nearly everything that happened beyond the front door.

Since the 1970's, a lot has changed.  I pick that date because that's the frame of reference I have.  That was the first time we began hearing about men being in the delivery room when their child was born.  We have been begging for men to show their emotions more and be more affectionate.  Now, some people are saying they must ask permission first or they are violating personal boundaries.

And when we have a man who openly demonstrates the type of emotion and affection we've been asking to see for years in the public eye, we crucify him.

I defend Joe Biden not because I think he gets a pass because he is a Democrat.  I defend him because I like the comforting hugs people give.  When my daughter died and a close friend was the first person at the house aside from the police, I literally fell into his arms and he hugged me for quite some time.  Should he have stopped and asked "Do I have your permission to hug you?"  I don't think so.  Regardless, I would not have been in a state where I could have consented to anything at that point since I was so distraught.  Yet that human touch was exactly what I needed.  I enjoy the gentle arm squeezes and hugs I get from people, both male and female.  Touch is another way of demonstrating non-sexual affection.

There is a difference between that kind of touching and the kind that is predatory.  I have experienced both and managed to extract myself from situations that made me uncomfortable.  That's not the case for everyone, and  do believe people who are insistent on touching people who have asked them not to should be called out.  If someone doesn't like being touched, hugged, or showing affection like that, the onus is on them to let them know.  I believe most people can make the distinction between "creepy" and true affection, even if they have stronger personal boundaries than most.

We've taught my granddaughter "my body, my choice" and we don't force her to hug people she doesn't want to.  There are many nights she goes to bed refusing to give me a goodnight hug and kiss.  Does that mean the next day I shouldn't hug her?  Does my hugging her without asking violates her in some way?

These are the lines we must start deciding, and I believe we have asked men to be more demonstrative and should accept the responsibility of letting people know when we do not want it.  There's nothing wrong with shrugging someone off who makes us uncomfortable, or setting the boundary with "I'm sorry, I just don't like to be touched."  Perhaps allowing people to make those statements without denigrating them is another battle that needs to be fought.