This Is Not "God's Plan"

It's coming up on the fourth anniversary of my daughter's suicide.  With everything I see happening in this country with the racists and xenophobes in power, it's a hard time to begin with it.  Add in the upcoming anniversary, and I'm already on the path to being a basket case (and in case that wasn't enough, add in a little respiratory infection as well - yee ha!)

Imagine my distress earlier this week when the attached meme came through my newsfeed.  God's plan?  I don't want to hear it.  That might sound fine to you when it comes to losing a job or platitudes about the state of the world.  You want to tell my God's plan was for my daughter to become addicted to heroin and commit suicide?  You want to tell me God's plan was to destroy my family in three years? You want me to "enjoy" that?  Fuck you and fuck God.

That's not where I needed to be.  As I watched more and more stories about the hideous orange thing that currently is our President, I was spiraling into despair and thinking once again that I just didn't want to be here anymore.  All of their legislation they want to enact benefits the people a the top at the expense of the rest of the country.  That includes my son.  I will not survive losing him, period.

In the throes of this I walked through Wal-Mart and saw The Shack had been released on blu-ray.  I had gotten about halfway through the book and put it down because it was too hard for me.  I did intend to get back to it, and I wanted to see the film when I was done reading the book.  That's usually how I do things.

One afternoon when my granddaughter was napping, I found it on pay-per-view and watched it.

“Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.” 
---- William Paul Young, The Shack


This.  This.  100 times this.  God is not steering what is happening in the world.  We are on our own.  I have said repeatedly I don't blame God for my daughter's death, it's humanity and sin.  If "God has a plan" then it means nothing we do matters, we are just dolls being played with by a sadistic being.  And I don't see God that way.  I couldn't wrap my head, though, around just where God was in all that was going on.  Why would God "let" this Orange creature come to power? Why did he let Hitler come to power?  No, that is not "God's plan".  That is humanity's sin.

God takes what we do as sinners, though, and tries to make wondrous things happen from it.  We have the choice whether to embrace those things that are put in our path or not.  We have freewill.  Freewill to do good, freewill to do evil.

John Pavlovitz has become a favorite read of mine.  He is where I am: deeply spiritual and trying to make sense of what's going on and find God's place in all of it.  This morning he also posted something that resonated with the answers I was looking for of late.  You can read the entire piece here: Christians, Stop Telling Me God is in Control.  The important part though, is the quote "God, make me an instrument of your peace" and his conclusion:

Because the truth, Christians friends: is that God is not in control of you. You are in control of you and God is asking you to be goodness and love in a way that tangibly changes the story we all find ourselves in. God is asking youwhat you’re willing to do to bring healing and cease pain and show compassion.

Indeed.  You can choose hate and anger.  You can choose to blame people or groups of people for the actions of others.  Or not.

The pain of losing my daughter will always be there.  That will never go away.  It's just a matter of whether I choose to embrace opportunities God has put in front of me to do some good.  I do try to speak out and pull the curtain back from the shame of addiction and suicide.  I recently bought 500 of those rubber bracelets with "prevent suicide, know the signs" and the phone number to the suicide hotline on them.  I put them in geocaches when I go out, but I'll hand them out to anyone who wants them.  And I'll order more when I need them.  It's making something good out of the worst thing I could ever imagine happening to me, instead of wallowing in hatred and bitterness.

I'm trying.  And I'm trying to forgive those who had a part of this and who hurt me afterwards, just as it was discussed in the film.  It's not easy, and it's not like turning a light off or on.  It takes time.  But, I'm trying.

It's not about "God's plan."  It's about "God's opportunities."

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