Grandma Should Have Wiped Them All Out
This is one of my more personal blog posts, more for venting than anything else. Still, it might shed a little light on the situation for people going through something similar.
Seriously people - do not get married before you live with someone for at least a year. And then don't think it's going to get any better. Watch what happens with their family and what you see there. You'll see a lot of indicators for what your future will be like if you do choose to marry them.
The signs were there. I didn't grasp it.
My husband (DH) grew up living with his mother and siblings in the house his grandparents owned. To put it quite frankly, they treated his grandmother like shit. Maybe she did encourage it and got some satisfaction out of it. I dunno. I wasn't there the whole time.
Grandma did work at some point. I know that because when I knew her she was collecting a pension from Prudential. My mother-in-law, with 4 kids to raise, really didn't for many years (the question of where their father was is something for another time - suffice it to say, this was the way she wanted it). She had odd jobs here and there until she worked in the court system by the time I knew her.
Yet everyone treated Grandma like she was a servant. I saw that. I didn't grasp at the time just how shitty they treated her. The kids would do different things that instead of helping her out, made her life more difficult. When she would complain, they would just laugh. Instead of teaching her children to help Grandma out, my mother-in-law encouraged this. Make a mess, create havoc, walk away from it. Grandma will follow along behind you and pick it all up. Even their attempts at help were like this. If my DH did something like install an air conditioner for her, he'd drop everything when he was done. Tools, garbage, it was all there. No cleaning up and putting things back. Grandma would have to come along and clean it all up after he'd "helped." And he'd expect a pat on the head and "good job."
Seriously, I don't know how she didn't wipe them all out.
There's only so much you can put on a person and so much you can expect from them.
When I first got married, DH had a job where he worked mornings, was home during the day, then afternoons into the evenings. I worked 7AM-4PM. I'd get out of work and instead of picking up my daughter from my mother's house, I'd go home and start cleaning. That's right, he was home all day and I'd have to go home and clean up after him. Usually my mother would drop my daughter off for me, but sometimes she didn't come home until he picked her up and then I'd have to make dinner too.
I threatened over and over again that I wasn't going to keep doing it. I was sick and tired of it. Nothing changed. I suspect he was laughing at me the same way I saw him, his mother, and his siblings laugh when Grandma complained. He changed jobs and wasn't home during the day, and I started a different schedule that was only 3 days a week, but the issues still remained. Paper towels would be dropped wherever he used them. Things that fell on the floor were stepped over without being picked up. If I called him on it his answer was "Well I didn't do it." Neither did I! You live here, don't you? Pick it up!
We built onto our house and my parents moved in. Being as fastidious as they were actually helped. My mom especially, would sometimes come down and clean up a few things here and there. She caught DH fairly often laying on the couch watching cartoons on his day off when I was working. So much for any "help." He undermined any help from the kids as well. I heard him a few times when he thought I was sleeping having conversations with them where he told them they didn't have to do things around the house because I should be doing it. There was a point where I actually had a bag packed and was going to leave, telling no one where I was going.
My oldest daughter was pretty good. She would pitch in as she got older. My second one, not so much. She's like her father and took his words to heart. I would have to be screaming before I'd get any help. When I had pneumonia I was screaming at her about helping me because I was supposed to be in bed and the dogs would be crying to go out or come in and no one paid any attention. That was a conversation I overheard, where her Dad actually said something to her about not helping me. She said something back about him telling her she didn't have to. His response was "Well not when she's sick."
Moving to NH where my son only sees his father every 10 days has helped because he does pitch in and help. Just last night he said "You're stressed, I'll make the noodles for dinner." DH, of course, uses the excuse that he isn't here to help me when I get frustrated. He didn't help when he was there, so it's all b.s. If I give him a list of things I need done when he's here, it's a miracle if more than one thing gets done. He'd rather spend a half hour telling me why he can't do something than spend the 10 minutes it would take to do it.
That is what a family should do - it should be a team working together. If you live with someone think about that before you marry them. Are the two of you going to be working as a team? Or is it one person pushing everything off on the other? Seriously, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't get married.
And Grandma should have wiped them all out.
Seriously people - do not get married before you live with someone for at least a year. And then don't think it's going to get any better. Watch what happens with their family and what you see there. You'll see a lot of indicators for what your future will be like if you do choose to marry them.
The signs were there. I didn't grasp it.
My husband (DH) grew up living with his mother and siblings in the house his grandparents owned. To put it quite frankly, they treated his grandmother like shit. Maybe she did encourage it and got some satisfaction out of it. I dunno. I wasn't there the whole time.
Grandma did work at some point. I know that because when I knew her she was collecting a pension from Prudential. My mother-in-law, with 4 kids to raise, really didn't for many years (the question of where their father was is something for another time - suffice it to say, this was the way she wanted it). She had odd jobs here and there until she worked in the court system by the time I knew her.
Yet everyone treated Grandma like she was a servant. I saw that. I didn't grasp at the time just how shitty they treated her. The kids would do different things that instead of helping her out, made her life more difficult. When she would complain, they would just laugh. Instead of teaching her children to help Grandma out, my mother-in-law encouraged this. Make a mess, create havoc, walk away from it. Grandma will follow along behind you and pick it all up. Even their attempts at help were like this. If my DH did something like install an air conditioner for her, he'd drop everything when he was done. Tools, garbage, it was all there. No cleaning up and putting things back. Grandma would have to come along and clean it all up after he'd "helped." And he'd expect a pat on the head and "good job."
Seriously, I don't know how she didn't wipe them all out.
There's only so much you can put on a person and so much you can expect from them.
When I first got married, DH had a job where he worked mornings, was home during the day, then afternoons into the evenings. I worked 7AM-4PM. I'd get out of work and instead of picking up my daughter from my mother's house, I'd go home and start cleaning. That's right, he was home all day and I'd have to go home and clean up after him. Usually my mother would drop my daughter off for me, but sometimes she didn't come home until he picked her up and then I'd have to make dinner too.
I threatened over and over again that I wasn't going to keep doing it. I was sick and tired of it. Nothing changed. I suspect he was laughing at me the same way I saw him, his mother, and his siblings laugh when Grandma complained. He changed jobs and wasn't home during the day, and I started a different schedule that was only 3 days a week, but the issues still remained. Paper towels would be dropped wherever he used them. Things that fell on the floor were stepped over without being picked up. If I called him on it his answer was "Well I didn't do it." Neither did I! You live here, don't you? Pick it up!
We built onto our house and my parents moved in. Being as fastidious as they were actually helped. My mom especially, would sometimes come down and clean up a few things here and there. She caught DH fairly often laying on the couch watching cartoons on his day off when I was working. So much for any "help." He undermined any help from the kids as well. I heard him a few times when he thought I was sleeping having conversations with them where he told them they didn't have to do things around the house because I should be doing it. There was a point where I actually had a bag packed and was going to leave, telling no one where I was going.
My oldest daughter was pretty good. She would pitch in as she got older. My second one, not so much. She's like her father and took his words to heart. I would have to be screaming before I'd get any help. When I had pneumonia I was screaming at her about helping me because I was supposed to be in bed and the dogs would be crying to go out or come in and no one paid any attention. That was a conversation I overheard, where her Dad actually said something to her about not helping me. She said something back about him telling her she didn't have to. His response was "Well not when she's sick."
Moving to NH where my son only sees his father every 10 days has helped because he does pitch in and help. Just last night he said "You're stressed, I'll make the noodles for dinner." DH, of course, uses the excuse that he isn't here to help me when I get frustrated. He didn't help when he was there, so it's all b.s. If I give him a list of things I need done when he's here, it's a miracle if more than one thing gets done. He'd rather spend a half hour telling me why he can't do something than spend the 10 minutes it would take to do it.
That is what a family should do - it should be a team working together. If you live with someone think about that before you marry them. Are the two of you going to be working as a team? Or is it one person pushing everything off on the other? Seriously, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't get married.
And Grandma should have wiped them all out.
That sucks. :( I'm lucky. My husband is a sweetheart and helpful to a fault.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. Mine did things, if I told him to, because of his pathological fear of confrontation, not because it was the right thing to do. He wasn't gross enough to drop garbage in the floor. I have a hard time imagining someone doing that. I have no idea if he ever told Jessie they didn't have to do chores because it was my job, but I doubt it, since they did them as he as well. No one wanted to piss me off. I'm pretty scary. Still, the absolute truth and point I was trying to get to is that you are absolutely right, live with someone first. I actually did that. I was pretty much ready to tell him it was a mistake when I found out I was pregnant, so I married him and made myself miserable in the process. Yesterday, a program I was watching called for making an homage to the best date you ever had. Do you know that I could thing of NOTHING that stood out? Do your homework. Find out about their family, find out about their habits, and THEN decide if you want to live with it all.
ReplyDeleteThere's a myth perpetuated that somehow if you love someone "enough" you can change them. I think that's what's been perpetrated for girls/women to buy into marrying losers. That somehow your love will make them change and you can fix everything. No, look at how he is honestly and decide if you can live with it. I only saw hints of what was to come. If I'd lived with him I don't know that I would have gotten married.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a side note, if someone is a 50+ year old deadbeat to his kids and everyone else; who's blown through jobs and marriages like they were ice cream cones, he's not going to change. If you choose to marry him you can either perpetuate the myth that he has somehow changed (but hey, 3 jobs in less than a year isn't his fault, I understand) or become exactly like him. I pity your parents.