Defensive Measures

One thing I know is normal for people who have experienced traumatic events and depression is difficulty opening up to people.  It's something I struggle with quite a bit.  In addition, people who I have trusted in the past have betrayed me when I needed them.  It means people are at arm's length in general.

I almost could feel that wall go up the day my daughter died.  It was like a part of me broke off and was locked away.  Subsequently, I learned people don't want to see you grieve, as much as they say they will be there.  Eventually you become a drag and they want to move on so they do, while you are still mourning.  You get the email that says your sadness is "making them sick."

You live, you learn.  You put up a public facade.  Sometimes it cracks, but mostly to the outside world they see the person you know they want to see.  They don't see the "real" you - what is going on under the facade.  They don't see the nights you spend crying alone or the way you pick apart things in your head, wondering when the next shoe will drop.

The people you let through, let see you at your most vulnerable are given a privilege most don't get.  They get to see the real you; your deepest emotions.  They get to have a connection to you that few others could have.

And then the shoe drops.

Then you find out the "real you" is not someone they wan to deal with.  You find out they want to believe the facade, and not see what's really happening underneath.  Once again, you judged wrong.  The person you thought you could open up to doesn't want that.

Once again, the "real you" is rejected.  The wall goes up again.  People will see what you want them to see.

And maybe this time, it won't come down for the next person that comes along and seems willing to connect with "the real you" because it just hurts too damn much.












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