I Hate People, That Is All

The title is something I say kidding around every now and then, but it was true this morning when I scrolled through my Facebook feed and saw the photo here shared by not one, but two acquaintances of mine.

Fuck you.  Fuck you all.  Fuck you, person who created this and fuck you, people who shared it.

I looked at the person's profile (and before you chide me for not blocking out his name - he made it public, so fuck him) and of course, Trump supporter, support the troops, blind allegiance to all things right-wing.  Wanna make a bet he's never actually known a Veteran who's committed suicide?  It's just okay to trot them out and use them to score political points.  Your blind allegiance to the Orange Turd in office is part of the problem you idiotic douchebag.  Sharing a sentiment on Facebook is his version of "supporting  the troops" while doing nothing to prevent it from happening to more people.  Why not help get people elected who AREN'T cutting mental health and other support nets in this country?  Yeah, cause that might require something from you, in terms of money or time.  Better to post on Facebook and wash your hands of it, a la Pontius Pilate.

I lost my daughter to suicide, something I don't have to say to people who have read me for any time.  Yet, a year later, when Robin Williams committed suicide, I was devastated.  It was so bad we had the police at my house, called by someone who heard my cries and thought I was in trouble.  I was, but their solution wouldn't have accomplished anything.  They asked to confiscate my guns for the night and I allowed it, knowing how stupid the idea was.  If I was truly going to check out that night, guns would not have been my method regardless, but it made them think they were doing something.

There were many reasons why Robin Williams' suicide devastated me.  One was his method was the same as my daughter's (as was Anthony Bourdain's and Kate Spade's).  People who hang themselves, they are hardcore.  It is not "just a cry for help."  They are choosing to die - that is what they want.  Reliving my trauma through each story that comes out is tremendously hard and affects my PTSD from having been the one to discover her.

It also devastated me because my own mental health has been hit or miss most of my life.  I can remember saying to my therapist in the aftermath of Williams' suicide "He had access to all the help he needed.  And this is still the result.  What hope is there for the rest of us?"  That is a huge, scary thing to realize.  It doesn't matter if you have all the mental health care in the world, suicides will still happen. We can't prevent them all.  Does it mean we don't try?  No.  We can do better, but we'll never eliminate it entirely.

The third reason is the sentimentality of who he was as a celebrity.  They are a part of your life.  I remember seeing Williams for the first time on Happy Days and then Mork & Mindy, followed by his movies and comedy.  His Live at the Met special was frequently in my VCR in my late teens and 20's as I found it absolutely hysterical.  Characters he depicted were uniquely him.  His career was a narrative in my life, and seeing that end was devastating.

I can't say I followed the career of Kate Spade at all, and I've not owned much designer stuff.  Her death saddened me in the way many others do - another person who had access to any kind of mental help she needed and it still wasn't enough.

But Anthony Bourdain?  Yeah, that one is tough for me.  I think for many people who watched him they saw him as opening up the world to us and living a life we all wish we could; traveling the world and seeing things we dream of seeing all while meeting real people and experiencing their culture.  This is the way my group of friends is.  I am ever grateful I have a group of friends like that and not a group of friends like the poster of the picture above.  Losing him is sad because we thought he overcame his demons.  We thought he was one of the success stories of battling depression and addiction.  We thought he was living the dream and everything was great and we wanted his life.

Coming just 12 days before the 5th anniversary of my daughter's suicide, it's a bitter pill to swallow.

No one's life is more valuable than another's.  Anthony Bourdain's and Robin William's isn't more valuable than any veteran who's committed suicide, especially to people that love them.  These people generate move coverage simply because they touched many more people in every day lives.  There was no news story about my daughter's death.  To most of the world, she is a statistic, not even as "worthy" as the "22 veterans commit suicide a day" statistic.  But losing her was devastating to all of us.  Is her suicide not as meaningful as a veteran's?  Because that's what the sentiment above says.  As much as he wants to deride people for grieving over a celebrity's death, he is also telling people that unless they are a veteran, their suicide is less meaningful.

I know it doesn't mean anything because he's just trotting them out and using them to bolster a political position and put down people he has to believe are some how lesser people because of their political beliefs.

But you know what?  Fuck him, and fuck you, anyone who shares or agrees with his sentiments.  Even you, though, I hope you never have to be a suicide survivor and see posts like this.