The Misnomer That Women Marry Men Hoping They Will Change, and Why That's Important
Women marry men hoping they will change... Men marry women hoping they will not...
Having been in both couples and individual therapy a number of times over the years, I've heard this said a few times, both in a therapy setting and in the public at large. I take issue with it.
The world I got married in back in 1993 is quite different than the world is now. I was on the "internet" back then, or at least Compuserve and several BBS having been a computer programming major at our community college. It wasn't the intrinsic part of our lives that it is now. I would say I spent far more time in the campus library than I did online. Cell phones didn't exist for the most part. Since my spouse worked on the road, he had a pager and I would beep him when I needed to talk to him about something and he would call me from a pay phone when he got the chance. I used a program for all of our finances, even back then, but everything arrived in the mail regardless.
I adapted to the changes in the world around us. I had to. Our kids were being raised in a world that was quite different than the one I was raised in. I was the one who learned about smartphones and data plans and made decisions based on the new knowledge.
My spouse wanted to come home every day, kick back with a beer, and watch cartoons on TV. Still does.
I would say it's more correct to say that women adapt to change and men don't. Even then, it's a gross generalization. I know men who do a fine job adapting to the changing world around them. Many of them don't, though. I think that is one of the reasons we are in the position we are in today in this country. People see the world around them changing faster than they can adapt. Where "don't ask don't tell" was a huge victory about the time I got married, now it's looked at negatively.
Many people want the world to be the way it was at some time they slapped a coat of paint on their values and called it good. They don't want the world to change.
But change is inevitable. There is no "going back." You can't bring back the past, you can't erase the progress we made. No matter who you vote into office.
You can kick back with a beer and watch cartoons every day, and stagnate while the world around you changes. It's not the rest of the world's fault for changing. It's not your spouse's fault for "changing" and being able to adapt to those changes and integrating it into your lives.
The world of 25, 30, or 50 years ago doesn't exist any more and never will.
The quote should be that people go into a marriage either able to change or unable and unwilling to change. The conflict comes when you have one partner that is able to embrace the change and roll with it and another that can't.
Having been in both couples and individual therapy a number of times over the years, I've heard this said a few times, both in a therapy setting and in the public at large. I take issue with it.
The world I got married in back in 1993 is quite different than the world is now. I was on the "internet" back then, or at least Compuserve and several BBS having been a computer programming major at our community college. It wasn't the intrinsic part of our lives that it is now. I would say I spent far more time in the campus library than I did online. Cell phones didn't exist for the most part. Since my spouse worked on the road, he had a pager and I would beep him when I needed to talk to him about something and he would call me from a pay phone when he got the chance. I used a program for all of our finances, even back then, but everything arrived in the mail regardless.
I adapted to the changes in the world around us. I had to. Our kids were being raised in a world that was quite different than the one I was raised in. I was the one who learned about smartphones and data plans and made decisions based on the new knowledge.
My spouse wanted to come home every day, kick back with a beer, and watch cartoons on TV. Still does.
I would say it's more correct to say that women adapt to change and men don't. Even then, it's a gross generalization. I know men who do a fine job adapting to the changing world around them. Many of them don't, though. I think that is one of the reasons we are in the position we are in today in this country. People see the world around them changing faster than they can adapt. Where "don't ask don't tell" was a huge victory about the time I got married, now it's looked at negatively.
Many people want the world to be the way it was at some time they slapped a coat of paint on their values and called it good. They don't want the world to change.
But change is inevitable. There is no "going back." You can't bring back the past, you can't erase the progress we made. No matter who you vote into office.
You can kick back with a beer and watch cartoons every day, and stagnate while the world around you changes. It's not the rest of the world's fault for changing. It's not your spouse's fault for "changing" and being able to adapt to those changes and integrating it into your lives.
The world of 25, 30, or 50 years ago doesn't exist any more and never will.
The quote should be that people go into a marriage either able to change or unable and unwilling to change. The conflict comes when you have one partner that is able to embrace the change and roll with it and another that can't.
Beepers. I remember those.
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