Understanding Suicide and Mental Illness

It was coming into a rough time for me already although I have to say as far as the last five years go, this has been one of the better ones.  I have a job I'm doing well at, I have good friends to hang with who I know have my back, and a fairly positive outlook.

Last year wasn't so good.  I cratered pretty bad.  I can't describe the distress, but I was seriously considering checking myself into a mental hospital or other facility.  I didn't want to be here; I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed and not get up.

This year, none of that.

Then yesterday happened.  Anthony Bourdain, someone I greatly admire and live vicariously through, ended his life.  He's been honest about his addiction and alcoholism through the years, as well as the demons he battled.  Looking at his life, though, he seemed to have conquered those demons.  He was a very successful and admired person who brought the world into people's homes and expanded their horizons.  He was having a positive impact in the world in general.

But he still lived in a lot of pain.

Paraphrasing a comment I read somewhere yesterday: "I hope we learn that he had some debilitating illness; that that's why he did it."

He did have that illness.  It's called depression.  He battled it every day for probably at least 50 years of his life.  For 50 years he won the battle.  Yesterday he lost.

How come we think it's okay if someone has cancer with a bad prognosis and chooses to end their life?  Or is in such physical pain that we understand the need to be out of it?  Mental pain is just as real as the physical pain, only people aren't as sympathetic.  I've seen people called out as "mentally deficient" when admitting to the demons they battle.  My theory generally is that the people tossing out those insults suffer from the same, or worse, but acting like they don't makes them feel less vulnerable.

I battle it every damn day.  Nearly every time something doesn't go right, there's an impulse to check-out.  I can sit here and know there are people who love me, and people I have an impact on.  The statements of "if only he could see the outpouring of love..." mean nothing.  He knew.  It just didn't matter.  When you get to that dark place, especially if you're alone or isolated, nothing else matters but what your brain is telling you.  I know I have a son who depends on me. I know I have a granddaughter who loves me.  I know I have friends who would sit on the phone with me all night if I needed it.  I know there are people whose lives I have an impact on that would miss me terribly.

None of that matters when the darkness overcomes you.

A few years ago, Jared Padalecki from the show Supernatural was doing an event in Italy (I believe) when he felt the darkness coming.  He's another one who has been honest about his struggles.  He had the conscious thought to get on a plane and get out of there and go back to his family, no matter what the cost.  He needed the people who love him around him, and that bit of self-preservation likely saved him from the same fate as Anthony Bourdain.  Yes, they are successful, admired, and loved.

None of that matters when the darkness overcomes you.

It's not selfish to end your own life.  It's usually the final act of someone who is tired of fighting every damn day just to stay among the living.  It's the final act of someone who has had their brain telling them how worthless and inconsequential they are on a regular basis; how the world would be a better place without them, even if the opposite is true.  It sucks, big time.  It sucks for the people left behind every damn day.

My daughter committed suicide almost five years ago.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of how I should have done things better.  That will stay with me for the rest of my life.  She is at peace.  I am not.  I know how it is to be on both sides of the suicide equation.  Both sides are equally devastating.

Be a friend to people.  Be there for them.  Listen to them and don't mock their struggles.  Loving your fellow human beings is the best way to combat the epidemic that seems to be growing around us.  There needs to be adequate mental health care, but we are stripping life-saving medication from people who need it.  We are kidding ourselves if we think we can get the people who are now in office to take mental health seriously.  What stopped me from checking myself into the facility last year was a fear of losing my autonomy and a fear of the stigma.  I made it through, thanks to some good people, but the outcome could have been very different.

As for Anthony Bourdain, I hope he is finally at peace and knows how much people are grieving.  I don't think I will see another person like him in my lifetime, and that makes me sad.  At least he left behind a legacy for us to watch and learn from.